Sephiroth the Cheese God
by eikothewerewolf
Summary: Comedy, Sephiroth tries to take over the world, by becoming the cheese god
1. Default Chapter

**Sephiroth the Cheese God**

**_Rating:_** PG  
**_Genre_**: Comedy  
**_Setting_**: Who knows?  
**_Main Characters_**: Sephiroth (Duh)

**_Note from the Authoress:_** firstly, I would like to thank my good friend light for giving me this idea. Secondly, events and things in this story have no necessary link to FF7. Also, I'm not entirely to sure why I had Sephiroth drinking brandy, he just seems like a brandy type of guy

**_Part 1_**

The sun burned bright in the sky. Sephiroth was bored. Damn! It was so unfair! Cloud had beaten him into submission, and he had had no choice but to flee. He took a swig from an almost empty bottle of brandy. The embarrassment of being forced to run! Now, people in the world merely sniggered at his name. His anger was gradually building up as he thought about his humiliating defeat. The only thing that his ambitions had achieved was his never-ending humiliation. Besides that, nothing had changed. Sure, a couple of people hated him for killing people that they liked, but what good was that? They didn't even try to hunt him down for revenge. He paced restlessly around the room. He was starting to feel hungry. Even villains had to eat. He staggered through to the kitchen, stopping only to take another drink of bandy. To put it bluntly, he was drunk out of his mind. Empty brandy bottles littered the kitchen of the tiny flat where he was now living. Even the landlord laughed when he saw Sephiroth. Would he never be free of the humiliation of his defeat? Did those the public referred to as villains not deserve a second chance to regain their dignity? It didn't seem like it. Every idea Sephiroth came up with was either stupid, or it had already been done. He shuddered at this thought. There had been a lot of legal stuff on his last idea. Damn that… what was his name? Yevon or something. How was he, Sephiroth, supposed to know that the idea of making a creature that randomly destroyed things by using a Summoner and a creature from peoples superstitions about machina had already been tried by that guy? There was absolutely no need for him to press charges! Sephiroth tried to take another drink, but the bottle was empty. Giving an exasperated sigh he threw the bottle to one side and opened another. He took a drink, before gazing around the room, swaying on the spot. He was really hungry. But all he had was a loaf of bread and some cheese. Looks like it was going to be cheese sandwiches. He pulled the loaf of bread from the shelf, and took a bread knife from the sink. The sink was littered with plates and bowl. Sephiroth made a mental note to poke someone until they did his washing up for him. Still swaying slightly, he weaved his way over to a surface unlittered by empty pizza boxes, old newspapers, and other, unidentifiable objects. He started, with great difficulty, to cut the bread. He would give anything for someone to challenge him again. But even those losers whose families he had brutally destroyed didn't want to degrade themselves by taking revenge on a shell of his former glory. Dammit! His anger broke loose and he stabbed the counter viciously with the bread knife. It broke. Sephiroth swore under his breath. It wouldn't happen to anyone else, would it. Anyone else the knife would have stayed in the woodwork swaying. But no. Since it was him the knife had broke. He'd need o get a new knife now. Stupid dramatics. If it had been that bastard Cloud, the knife would have probably caught fire as well. That would add to the drama of the moment. The anger. Everything. Everything went right for saint Cloud. But no, it wasn't Cloud. It was him. Sephiroth. He banged his head against the wall.

"Ouch! Dammit that was painful!" damn! He could even get depressed without something going wrong. He drained the rest of the brandy. If only there was some way. He picked up the cheese. Just some way to restore his name. He gazed at the mutilated bread. Just one idea to make him famous and feared once again. There was no way of making a sandwich with that bread. There wasn't even what could pass as a slice. He stared at the cheese. It would just need to be cheese on its own. He took a bite of the cheese. And then the idea hit. That was it. How he could become respected once again. It was perfect. He would become the God of Cheese! He would take over the world that way! And when he was the Cheese God, then he could make Cloud pay! When the whole world had turned to cheese Cloud would be writhing at the thought. Sephiroth would rule once again. He would become the most feared being in the world.

"Just you wait Cloud" he thought "just you wait!" With the thought of his glory returned, he slowly collapsed to the floor.

END OF PART 1


	2. Cheese God 2

**Sephiroth the Cheese God**

**_Rating:_** PG  
**_Genre_**: Comedy  
**_Setting_**: Who knows?  
**_Main Characters_**: Sephiroth (Duh)

**_Note from the Authoress:_** firstly, I would like to thank my good friend light for giving me this idea. Secondly, events and things in this story have no necessary link to FF7. Also, I'm not entirely to sure why I had Sephiroth drinking brandy, he just seems like a brandy type of guy

**_Part 2_**

Groaning, Sephiroth stood up. He had the worst cramp in the back of his neck. He gazed down at the floor, his head throbbing. No wonder he was sore. It seemed that he had collapsed on the floor. Sephiroth's floor was not the softest thing in the world at the best of time, but when you collapsed on it in a drunken stupor it tended to be even worse. He stared around the room, his head still throbbing. How much did he drink last night? Holding his head he staggered through to his kitchen. What the hell had happened to that bread? Groaning he pulled back the curtains. And wince. Who knew that light could be that painful. Just great. Now on top of everything else, Sephiroth had a hangover. He weaved his way through the empty brandy bottles to a drawer; he paused before taking an aspirin out of it. He was vaguely recalling something. He had had an idea. It had been a brilliant idea, he was sure of it. He just couldn't quite remember what it was. Damn! The one original idea he had had for ages, and it had slipped away from him like sand through the giant sieve of time. He swallowed the aspirin and choked as it got lodged in his throat. Dammit! There was no water nearby so he took a swig of the brandy still on the side to help him swallow the aspirin. When he had stopped choking it occurred to him that swallowing an aspirin with brandy probably wasn't the best idea in the world. Dejected, he staggered to his bed and collapsed, drifting into a deep sleep.

The sun was well into the sky by the time Sephiroth finally came around. He felt a little better, and, vowing never to drink that much brandy again, he decided to go down to the nearby newsagents, as a craving for chocolate had sprung up out of nowhere. He left his home, and wandered down the street, slowly heading towards the newsagents. He stopped for a minute to scare some kids that were playing football in the streets. With a slight feeling of satisfaction he watched as they ran away. At least some people still shivered in fear at his presence. Ok, so they were 6 year olds, but still, they fact he still had the ability to terrify little children held a small flame of self satisfaction in his mind. A slight smile in his face he sauntered onwards with a small amount of his self confidence adding a slight spring in his step. He entered the newsagents. There were 3 other people in there. He cast the other customers a small evil and haughty glance. The reaction wasn't quite what he had expected. He had expected them to back away, or to at least ignore him. What he didn't expect was that they would start laughing. But that was exactly what they did. He stared at them in a faint surprise. Then, scowling, he turned to the sweets, and picked up a bar of chocolate. Turning to the counter he caught sight of the newspapers. His picture was on the front page. Odd. He hadn't made the front page for ages, not even when he was sued by that Yevon dude. Curious, he also picked up the paper. He glanced at the article. It contained details about him claiming to rule the world by becoming the cheese god. He heard the other customers burst out laughing; they had been trying to stifle their laughter up to this point. They were now laughing so much they staggered out of the shop, still laughing. Sephiroth couldn't believe it. As if his defeat wasn't humiliating enough, now this had made him the laughing stock of the entire town. How could he have been foolish enough to announce it to the world? He would definitely never drink that much brandy again.

But, if he pulled something like this off, maybe, just maybe, his name could be restored. Perhaps this was the plan to give him domination once again. It was worth a shot. If only he could find a way to pull it off. There must be some way. He brought the chocolate and the paper, and wandered back out into the street, still thinking. How could he do this. It just needed careful planning. Yes, just planning. Then he, Sephiroth, would once again be the most feared man alive. He was so absorbed in planning out his scheme that he didn't even notice the laughter that followed him home.

END OF PART 2


	3. Cheese God 3

**Sephiroth the Cheese God**

**_Rating:_** PG  
**_Genre_**: Comedy  
**_Setting_**: Who knows?  
**_Main Characters_**: Sephiroth (Duh)

**_Note from the Authoress:_** firstly, I would like to thank my good friend light for giving me this idea. Secondly, events and things in this story have no necessary link to FF7. Also, I'm not entirely to sure why I had Sephiroth drinking brandy, he just seems like a brandy type of guy

**_Part 3  
_**  
Sephiroth arrived back home, and, after struggling with the front door key for a few moments, he managed to let himself in. He collapsed on the chair, pushing an old pizza box to the side. He started to think, unwrapping the chocolate and biting into it. How was he going to go about becoming the cheese god. He took another bite of the chocolate, staring vaguely at his computer. Well, where did cheese come from? Seriously, he thought, where the hell DOES cheese come from? Besides supermarkets that is. He got up and walked over to the computer, and did a search on Cheese. He soon found out that cheese was made from milk. Great, he thought to himself. Now I need to get some cows. He went to Amazon, and, via card, brought 15 cows. Well, that was the first step done. The Cows would be there first thing in the morning. So what was he supposed to do until they arrived? Thinking he had worked really hard already, he collapsed on his chair, and turned the TV on. He flicked through a load of channels, finally settling on a cartoon channel. He lounged back to watch Pokémon, laughing at the idiocy of Team Rocket. You would think they would learn that they couldn't capture Pikachu. They were such simple bad guys, they would never amount to super villains. He felt bit better thinking that. Eventually, tiring of Pokémon, he wandered to bed, falling asleep quite quickly.

The next morning he woke up. He put his hand to his head, almost like a reflex, then started in surprise. His head didn't hurt one bit. So this was how it felt to wake up without a hangover. It had been so long since he had done that, he had almost forgotten. He slowly remembered the events of the previous day, as he made himself some breakfast. Those cows should be delivered very soon. On cue someone knocked hard on his door. Sephiroth jumped up enthusiastically. But he slowed slightly while bounding towards the door. The way his luck was going, the chances were that it was a bill, or something worse. Nobody had come up with this cheese god idea before had they? Cautiously he opened the door. A bored looking teenager stood there, holding a clipboard.

"15 cows for a Mr. Sephiroth. Please sign here" Sephiroth took the pen and signed his name. The teenager stood aside, as two farmers herded the cows into his apartment. Great, he thought as he closed the door, things are finally going right.

Three hours later his apartment stank. He couldn't cope with all these cows. He forced his way through them to his chair, cursing as the ground squished under his bare foot. What he needed was slaves. Yes, that was it. Slaves to look after and milk the cows for him. He wiped his foot off, before struggling into boots.

"God damn cows" he muttered as he forced his way to the door.

He had searched for a while, for anyone to enslave. Nobody was suitable. They were all were either well fed, strong, or looked like they might punch him if he even tried to enslave them. Cursing he wandered along the port. There was a ship there. A pirate ship. Those things always had slaves. He climbed on board, to find himself surrounded by pirates brandishing cutlasses.

"Hello. Don't mind me; I just dropped by to see if you could spare any slaves. I need some to help my plans of world domination." Some of the pirates sniggered, and one, who was clearly their captain, approached Sephiroth.

"Lis'n pretty boy" He growled, drawing close to Sephiroth. Sephiroth held his breath when the pirate breathed on him, his breath stank worse than those cows. "No one gets our slaves. Nobody! You got that?" Sephiroth noted that the sword the captain had had punctured his skin slightly, and a trickle of blood ran from the wound. He realised if he didn't get off this ship, he probably wouldn't live to try out his new plan. So he nodded and backed away quickly. But not quickly enough. One of the pirates caught his hands and pinned them behind his back. They dragged him down below deck. He could tell right now that they were going to make him a slave as well. Why hadn't he brought his own sword out with him? Oh well, looked like he wouldn't be home in time for lunch

END OF PART 3


	4. Cheese God 4

**Sephiroth the Cheese God**

**_Rating:_** PG  
**_Genre_**: Comedy  
**_Setting_**: Who knows?  
**_Main Characters_**: Sephiroth (Duh)

**_Note from the Authoress:_** firstly, I would like to thank my good friend light for giving me this idea. Secondly, events and things in this story have no necessary link to FF7. Also, I'm not entirely to sure why I had Sephiroth drinking brandy, he just seems like a brandy type of guy

**_Part 4_**

Sephiroth glared angrily at the slave master. Pathetic mortals. How dare they imprison him, Sephiroth, among slaves? People were going to pay dearly for this. Very dearly. Still, on the plus side, at least he had found some slaves. Ok, so he was chained up next to them. Minor setback. Easily overcome. All he had to figure out was how to overpower the slave driver, break out of the ships galley, fight back about thirty pirates, swim back to shore and get back to his flat. Taking the slaves with him of course. Otherwise what would be the point of this humiliation? He started to think. What problems could he possibly encounter? Well, he had no weapon, so he would have to fight the pirates with his bare hands, when they were all armed with cutlasses and scimitars. He also had no file or lock pick, so he would still be chained. Well, the chains could double as a weapon. But he would still be chained to the other slaves. He thought about this for a moment. In his experience people were not too happy to be bashed over the head with another person. They tended to run away if this seemed like happening. He stored this important fact in the back of his mind. It might prove to be useful. Now, supposing he beat all of the pirates. There was then the problem of getting back to land. They must be a good way out to sea by now. Well, he could swim easily enough. But he would still be chained. In iron chains. Not good. If the chains didn't drag him underwater the slaves probably would. He sat up straighter. First things first. Lets get rid of the pirates first. But how?

Sephiroth thought back to all the cheesy pirate films with slaves escaping he had watched. Well, there was one method that stood out in his mind. He gasped out loud and collapsed heavily on his side. Only he fell the wrong way. He felt himself bash into the half starved body of the slave sitting next to him. The slave gave a squeak of terror and fainted. Sephiroth ricocheted off of the slave, whacking his head on the bench in front. If he had thought quickly he could have still saved his bluff, by staying down. However, he ruined the moment, sitting up and shouting dammit. He rubbed his head angrily; a trickle of blood ran down his forehead. The slave driver was coming over to see what the commotion was about. Well, he would have to do something about the fainted slave to Sephiroth's left. Sephiroth continued to rub his head, waiting for his chance to attack the pirate.

"'ere, wots goin on 'ere then?" Sephiroth leapt into action. At least, he would have leapt, had the chains not restricted his movements. As it was he simply tried to jump up, tripped, and fell into the pirate. The pirate staggered backwards as Sephiroth's weight landed on him, and in turn tripped over one of the chains, and landed heavily on his side, breathing, but clearly unconscious. Sephiroth, with some difficulty, staggered to his feet. With renewed cheerfulness because his plan had actually succeeded, albeit not as gracefully as he had intended, and he had ended up with a scratch, Sephiroth dragged at the chains, managing to force them away from the shoddy attachments to the ship. The slaves showed no sign of intending to move. Sephiroth gave a sigh of annoyance. He addressed the slaves, much the same as one would address an incredibly stupid child, with an incredibly patronizing air.

"You are free! I have released you. You will journey with me back to my home and be my slaves instead. I will probably feed you. Do you understand?" The slaves looked at each other, then in unison bowed towards Sephiroth.

"Oh great and powerful one, lead us across the desert to your land of milk and honey" they chorused. Sephiroth tilted his head slightly. Well, at least they understood that they were now his, and technically free. In the broadest sense of the word. At least in Sephiroth's dictionary. Anyway, he felt that he should say something clever, to prove that he was truly great.  
"It's cheese, not milk and honey."

Somehow they had managed to get onto the deck. It hadn't been an easy task. The slaves kept kneeling and praising him. While Sephiroth enjoyed all of this praise, he would prefer to be back home while receiving it. However, he had eventually managed to convey to the slaves the message that they had to leave the ship. Now they were on deck, and things weren't going quite as smooth as he had hoped. The pirates had seen them. They were momentarily paralysed with shock that the slaves had figured out about the shoddy work below, but Sephiroth could tell that it wouldn't last. So he quickly barked out orders to his new slaves.  
"Ok, link elbows, those to that side face the front of the ship, those to the other side, face the back of the ship, and everyone run clockwise!" Slightly baffled the slaves did as they were bid. With Sephiroth at the middle, they formed a line, linking arms. The line started to spin. Faster and faster, until they were eventually going so fast that the slaves on the outside were no longer running, merely flying through the air, in circles. And effectively knocking the pirates over the side of the ship. Eventually Sephiroth judged that all of the pirates had been disposed of. He slowed to a halt, and the slaves in the air skidded onto the floor, leaving long skid marks as they slowed down sharply at contact with the deck. Sephiroth staggered slightly, incredibly dizzy from the spinning. He collapsed on the deck, and ordered one of the slaves who could still manage something vaguely resembling a walk, to pick up a discarded cutlass and break the chains chaining Sephiroth to the slaves. The slave set to work at once. Sephiroth smiled. It seemed that things were finally going right for him.

END OF PART 4


	5. Cheese God 5

**Sephiroth the Cheese God**

**Rating**: PG  
**Genre: **Comedy  
**Setting: **Who knows?  
**Main Characters: **Sephiroth (Duh)

**Note from the Authoress**: firstly, I would like to thank my good friend light for giving me this idea. Secondly, events and things in this story have no necessary link to FF7. Also, I'm not entirely to sure why I had Sephiroth drinking brandy, he just seems like a brandy type of guy

_**Part 5**_

Standing at the helm, Sephiroth surveyed the ship. Some of the slaves were doing odd jobs on the ship, and those with no job to do merely stood in front of Sephiroth and worshipped at his feet. Sephiroth was enjoying the attention immensely, while mulling the next stages of his plans over in his mind. He had to figure out how he was going to turn the whole world to cheese. But he thought that he could wait until his cheese manufacturing business was up and running. As he turned his plan over and over in his mind, he gazed into the distance. Subconsciously his train of thought tried to warn him of danger.

_Its really, really black over there…_

_Maybe I should buy out all of the dairy companies…_

_I mean, really, incredibly black…_

_But where will I get the money?_

_Seriously, if it was any blacker, we'd need lights on the ship_

_Money? What am I thinking? I'm a super villain! I can just blackmail them!_

_It couldn't be much blacker if it tried…._

_And when every dairy company I in my command…_

_Are you even listening to me? Its so black it makes black look white…._

_Then, my cheese plan will be…._

_I mean it! Its incredibly, stupidly, horribly black…_

_Black?_

Sephiroth was jolted back to reality suddenly. Lightning split the dark sky just ahead of him. He gaped stupidly into the ever nearing distance for a few moments, before the reality of the situation hit him.

"Oh my sainted aunt, we're headed straight into a storm!" He exclaimed in surprise, before realising what he had said was far from villainous. He glared around the deck for effect, in case any of the slaves had heard his exclamation. Satisfied that they hadn't, he started shouting orders out, as they headed into the lashing rain of the storm.

Cloud slammed down the newspaper in anger.

"Damn, he's trying to make a comeback!" He exclaimed. He was sitting in the seventh heaven pub, and at his exclamation, everyone turned to look at him. He shrugged slightly as Tifa turned to him.

"What's wrong Cloud?" He waved vaguely at the headline on the newspaper, now lying somewhat crumpled on the bar. As Tifa turned the paper so she could read it properly Cloud downed the rest of his beer, rubbing his forehead. He watched as Tifa skimmed through the article. As had so many people before her, she burst out laughing at the article. It was the article about Sephiroth's plan. Cloud stared at her in amazement.

"Why the hell are you laughing! If he makes a comeback we'll be forced to fight him again!" Tifa managed to control her giggles enough to gasp a reply to Cloud.

"Oh, come on Cloud! He's claiming to become the Cheese God. How tough could he be to defeat?" Cloud gave a weak smile.

"Yeah, I guess" he muttered. "I'm gonna go." He stood up and walked across the bar, deep in thought. Tifa watched as he pulled open the door and walked out. She shook her head. How tough could Sephiroth be to beat if he did become the cheese god? They had beaten him easy enough when he was at the pinnacle of his power. There was no reason why they couldn't do it again.

After leaving Seventh Heaven, Cloud slumped dejectedly against the pub wall. How hard could it be? They would all say that. And he would be expected to take on Sephiroth again. It was hard enough the first time. And if he became the Cheese God, it would be practically impossible for Cloud to win. He had never shared the reason why with any of his friends. But now, it haunted him. He couldn't bet anyone who dealt with cheese. He was lactose intolerant.

The ship was tossing about on the waves, much like a small and incredibly insignificant piece of wood would be tossed around in a blender. Sephiroth had run for cover in the cabins already, cowering in a corner. He wondered briefly whether he should call some of the slaves below deck, because if he lost them his humiliation at the hands of the pirates would be in vain. But he was to afraid to venture back onto the deck, which had been soaked before he had run for shelter. The rain which had hit them suddenly was like a never-ending bucket being emptied over them. A puddle of water had already accumulated on the floor where he was crouched. He dreaded to think how wet it would be on the deck now. He guessed by the time the storm was ended he would have his own personal swimming pool on the deck.

He listened to the thunder crashing outside, and wondered to himself whether he would survive this. But then he thought about his plan. Making up his mind to save a few of the slaves for his plan, he crawled across the rocking floor of the ship, and clawed at the door until it opened. He gave a whimper as he saw water flooding the passage outside. As the door opened, a lot of water rushed into the cabin. Deciding that the slaves would be fine by themselves, he forced the door back closed and returned to his corner, praying that the storm would finish soon.

END OF PART 5


	6. Cheese God 6

**Sephiroth the Cheese God**

**_Rating: _**PG  
**_Genre: _**Comedy  
**_Setting: _**Who knows?  
**_Main Characters_**: Sephiroth (Duh)

**_Note from the Authoress: _**Um, yeah, I haven't completed FF7, as you probably realise, so I don't know what happened to Reno, but if he died, he has been resurrected for the purposes of the fic. Also, my apologies. i wrote part 5 about a month ago, and i uploaded it on my site, and then saved the format to put it up here, but i guess i got distracted or something, cuz i never got around to uploading it here. i didnt realise until i wrote this part. So, I'm sorry! please forgive!

_**Part 6**_

Sephiroth curled in his corner whimpering. He had no idea how long he huddled there, but eventually he drifted into sleep, wishing he had brought some of his brandy bottles along. He had no idea how long he slept, or when the storm finally abated. He finally regained consciousness, and, with a start, realised that the ship was no longer tossing around like a jugglers ball. Slowly he stood, immediately falling over. He cursed, rubbing his legs, which had become numb by the way he had been lying. Slowly some feeling crept back into his legs, but almost immediately pins and needles followed. He banged his head against the ships wall, causing a dull ache to spring up in his head.

"Why me" he moaned softly, relaxing as the pins and needles died down. He slowly and gingerly stood. His legs managed to hold him up his time. Slowly, clinging to the wall, he staggered to the door, pulling it open. Even as the door opened a smell of fish hit him, like a tonne of bricks. He gagged slightly, and held his breath. This was not his idea of fun. He pulled his shirt up over his mouth, breathing through the cloth. It didn't work spectacularly, but it blocked out the worst of the smell. He peered along the corridor. Drips of water fell from the ceiling, giving the dark corridors the impression of a cave. The ominous tone of dripping was eerie, and Sephiroth found himself wondering if the slaves had survived. He shuddered, stepping into the corridor. His foot slipped out from under him, causing him to fall and land straight in a puddle of water. He snarled to himself, looking for what he slipped on. Flopping uselessly on the floor, clearly dying, was a large fish. He lowly became aware that this fish wasn't the only one. Further down the corridor, more fish flopped. Several had already stopped moving. Scowling in the darkness, Sephiroth staggered back up onto his feet and staggered towards the deck. He opened the door and stared in surprise.

The deck was covered in water. But, perhaps even more surprising, sloshing their way over the deck were three slaves, making their way towards the stern of the ship where a fourth stood numbly by the helm, water still cascading from his hair. Sephiroth thought he would creep up on them to see what they were saying. He stepped onto the deck, and then proceeded to splash noisily over to where they were standing. He cursed the water swilling around on the deck as he approached. One of the slaves turned to him.

"Greetings. We thought you had been washed overboard." Sephiroth stared at the speaker. The speaker looked like he may have a defiant nature. He figured he had better think up a lie fast.

"No, I was, er, below deck…" The slave who had spoken narrowed his eyes a bit. "I was blocking up some holes in the hull. Otherwise we would have sunk" two of the other slaves gave Sephiroth admiring glances; the one at the helm seemed to be paying little attention. However, the speaker still had a disbelieving look in his eyes. Yes, Sephiroth thought, this ones going to be trouble. The slave spoke again.

"Well, you should know we are the only survivors." Sephiroth groaned inwardly. So, he only had four slaves for his plan. Well, he reasoned, three if this one causes too much trouble. The slave continued speaking.

"Since there are so few of us, perhaps we should give you our names. I am Cid, my two friends are Ella and Reno, and the guy at the helm is Boris." Reno, thought Sephiroth, why does that name sound so familiar? He gazed at the slave known as Reno for a moment, and then it hit him. This guy used to be part of Shinra. He wondered what had happened to make him a slave, and decided he would ask him later. But Cid had continued speaking.

"Of course, with so few of us, you no longer need us to help you." Sephiroth was jolted out of his thoughts.

"Not so fast….Cid, was it? You aren't weaselling out of my plans that easily. You're still going to help me create my cheese empire." Cid narrowed his eyes again, and Sephiroth was sure he saw signs of anger. Well, he was the leader here, and if Cid tried to oppose him, he was going to learn a nasty lesson. He flipped his hair back and continued to speak, somewhat haughtily.

"Now, we need to head back to port. But first, I'm starving. What food have we got?" Cid gave a menacing smile

"The storm brought in lots of fish. That's about all we have now." Great, thought Sephiroth. Fish. I hate fish.

"Fine, go and prepare it or something," he muttered. Cid nodded at Ella, who headed below decks to prepare some food. Reno took over the helm from Boris, and Cid, glaring at Sephiroth, led Boris below decks again. Well, thought Sephiroth, at least it doesn't reek of fish up here. He set out in search of a drink.

END OF PART 6


	7. Cheese God 7

**Sephiroth the Cheese God**

**_Rating: _**PG  
**_Genre: _**Comedy  
**_Setting: _**Who knows?  
**_Main Characters_**: Sephiroth (Duh)

**_Note from the Authoress_**: erm…yeah, sorry about Sephiroth's song being so lame! My poetry stinks at the moment….I'm so happy though! My friend Light1 told me she loved that I made Cloud lactose intolerant! This parts a bit odd…and I just thought I better point out the Cid in the story is a different Cid, not the one from the game! Anyways, to the story!

_**Part 7**_

Sephiroth was starving. And, coincidentally, drunk. Well, maybe the drunkenness wasn't such a coincidence. All that there was to eat on the ship was fish. Sephiroth, not liking fish, had replaced food with rum, of which there was a large stock in the kitchens. The fact that he was drunk also made life aboard the ship easier, as there was little to do, and Cid was causing problems at every turn, or so it seemed to Sephiroth. Still, the skies were bluish in colour for the most part, and the sailing seemed smooth. Sephiroth barely arose from his drunken stupor, yet on this day, miraculously, he did.

Blinking in the harsh sunlight, he vaguely wondered how far it was home. He also wondered if he should have left some food for the cows. Still, that was only a fleeting thought. Right now, the only major thing on his mind, besides his thoughts of world domination, was wondering how on earth Reno got to be aboard a pirate ship. He could see no particular reason why one of his skills should be caught by a bunch of stupid pirates. Of course, he, Sephiroth, had been caught, but that was all a part of his spectacular plans. Honestly. Still, he couldn't find any plausible explanation, so he entertained himself by wandering around the deck singing a little shanty he made up as he went along.

_Oh, I'm the captain of the sea_

_And the emperor of cheese_

_I am a God that's what I am_

_Roquefort, Swiss, Blue and Edam! _

Cloud was pacing around the slums in Midgar. This was torture! Complete torture! Everyone he met had given him words of encouragement, expressing their belief that he could defeat Sephiroth easily. If only they knew his secret. They wouldn't be so confidant in his ability then. But if he couldn't stop Sephiroth, was there anyone who could? He dreaded the thought of his friends finding out that he would be no help in a battle this time.

Sephiroth glared at Cid. He was certain that the bastard was planning mutiny behind his back. If it were possible for slaves to mutiny. That Cid was too fond of his freedom. Sephiroth was angry that he couldn't do anything about that at the moment, but he couldn't afford for the other three to turn against him. Still, Cid could easily meet with an unfortunate, cow-related accident. Just not yet. Partly because Cid was the only one on the ship who knew anything about sailing, and partly because there weren't actually any cows on the ship. With a sigh, he slumped against the mast. A slight smile crossed his face. At least things were looking up. Not that long ago the mast would have probably broken when he slumped on it. Inspired by the lack of things going wrong, he stood again, a slight swagger returning to his step. He headed over to Boris. He was the only person Sephiroth felt he could talk to at this moment in time. He wasn't prepared to speak to Reno just yet, and Cid was an obnoxious git. So he approached the man at the helm. It was only at this point that he realised that Boris had never uttered a word to his knowledge. Sephiroth stood near the helm, wondering how best to engage Boris in conversation.

"Erm, so, ah, do you think I should get my hair cut?" Sephiroth blinked. He couldn't believe he just asked that. Boris stared at him, and Sephiroth bristled angrily. There was no need for him to look like that. Sephiroth flicked his hair back. Well, he didn't need to talk to people anyway. He turned to leave.

"It looks fine long, but maybe you should consider dying it!" Sephiroth stopped in his tracks. Had Boris just given him advice on how to style his hair? Well, at least the man was talking. He turned back.

"Really? You think so? But I always thought silver looked more powerful."

"Maybe, but if your moving onto new schemes then perhaps a new hair colour would stir up some interest." Sephiroth considered this. It did make some sort of sense. New levels of evil, new image. He pulled a few strands of his hair over his shoulder and examined them.

"So, er, what colour would you recommend?" Sephiroth asked, trying to be nonchalant. He couldn't really imagine his hair in any other colour. Boris stared at his hair for a while.

"Maybe red. Deep red."

"You think? But surely black is far more sinister"

"Yes, but not really that different. Very few super villains have deep red hair" Sephiroth nodded.

"Well, ok then. How long before we hit shore?" Boris turned his gaze from Sephiroth's hair to the sky.

"Maybe two or three hours" Sephiroth blinked again. Not to long then. He nodded.

"Well, keep on course. I'm gonna go make preparations for land." he turned and stalked off. That Boris was a nice guy. Nice in an evil sort of way. He wondered if he could pick up some hair dye at the town where they planned to land. Amazing, he thought, I never would of thought of changing my appearance.

He neared the cabin doors and was about to enter when they flew open. Reno was standing just behind the door. He gave Sephiroth an odd look before hurrying out onto the deck. Sephiroth could see Cid standing a little way away, a frown on his face. He briefly wondered what was wrong with Reno, but decided he didn't have time to debate on it. He went below deck to sort out some plans.

END OF PART 7


	8. Cheese God 8

**Sephiroth the Cheese God**

**_Rating: _**PG  
**_Genre: _**Comedy  
**_Setting: _**Who knows?  
**_Main Characters_**: Sephiroth (Duh)

**_Note From the Authoress:_** I meant to leave this part how I ended it! It may look like I couldn't be bothered to end it, but honestly, its part of my big plan!

_**Part 8**_

Sephiroth stood in front of a long mirror that stood in his cabin, critically examining his image. He pulled a couple of strands of his hair forward, examining them, before returning his gaze to his whole face. He was still debating on his hair. He loved his hair colour the way it was, but it would cause more publicity to him to dye it. The examination of his hair also took his mind off a more important question. Why hadn't Cloud chased him down yet? His name had been in the paper enough, and, Sephiroth knew that Cloud would most probably love to foil his plans again. Yet he had seen neither hide nor hair of him. With a sigh he shook his hair back, just as a call was heard

"Land Ahoy" a smile split his face. At last. Now his plans could continue. He ran up to the deck, sparing a disgusted look for Cid as he ran past.

Sure enough, there, on the horizon, and drawing nearer by the second, was a vast chunk of land. Sephiroth frowned, it didn't seem like his homeport. Still, land was land, anything to get of this stinking boat.

Tifa chased after Cloud, who had taken off once again as someone questioned his plans for defeating Sephiroth. He had avoided the question solidly, never answering, always running the opposite way. Tifa was starting to get worried. She tracked him to a corner of the sector seven slums.

"Cloud?" Cloud jumped.

"Tifa? What are you doing here?" Tifa seated herself beside Cloud.

"You ran again. This doesn't have something to do with Aeris, does it?"

"What do you mean?"

"Only that last time you went against Sephiroth, he killed Aeris." Cloud blinked and looked away.

"Its nothing like that." Tifa shifted slightly.

"Then what is it?" Cloud swallowed. He would have to tell them sometime.

"Tifa, I can't fight Sephiroth. I'm lactose intolerant." Tifa gasped, jumping to her feet with a horrified look on her face.

"It's not possible!" Sheesh, thought Cloud, the way she reacted anyone would think that I told her Sephiroth was my father or something. To Tifa, however, he merely said,

"It's true. I cant face him while he is the Cheese God" Tifa backed away slightly, a look of betrayal on her face.

"I… I have to go back to the bar" With that she turned and ran.

Close too the island looked nothing like Sephiroth's home. Perhaps it was because of the golden sand leading to dense jungle that he got this impression, or maybe it was the fact that none of the homes near him were mud huts. Cid came across the deck and stood beside Sephiroth.

"I don't think we're in Midgar any more," he muttered. Sephiroth blinked. He turned and stared at Cid. He blinked again, before he spoke, or, more accurately, shouted.

"Not in Midgar anymore? What is that even supposed to mean? We haven't been in Midgar for ages. What, have you only just noticed? I would of thought the days spent on board a pirate ship might have been a big clue. Did aliens actually come and remove your brain? Did you even have a brain in the first place? How could you even think something so dumb!" he paused for breath, then flicked his hair and stepped ashore, leaving Cid mouthing wordlessly, and pulling off a good impression of a goldfish.

Sephiroth strolled across the sand, stopping every so often to remove his boots and tip sand out. How is that even possible, He thought, I'm wearing boots! How does sand get in them? The sun was beating down. Sephiroth turned and headed for some shade. Why hadn't he thought of bringing some rum ashore? He pulled some hair forward absentmindedly starting to plait it, and gazed out over the beach. Now what? As he thought, his subconscious brought to attention the black dot running towards him. He stared harder. It seemed to be Boris. He was waving something. As he drew closer Sephiroth realised it was a bottle. Ah, good man, he's brought me rum! Boris skidded to a halt, spraying sand at Sephiroth. Sephiroth stood still for a moment, leaping to life. Spitting sand out he let out a rant.

"Really man! Was there any need for that! You got sand in my mouth" he paused to spit more sand out "and in my hair too…" Boris had the decency to look sheepish.

"I'm sorry sir" Sephiroth was pleased with the sir. It made him feel important. "Only, I found some hair dye in my room." Sephiroth blinked again. He decided not to question why Boris had hair dye and instead took the bottle.

"Deep red hair dye" he read "apply generously and wash off for a superb colour." he nodded. "Ok, I'll try it then. Excuse me Boris!" Sephiroth turned and walked away. He stopped out of sight and took a few strands of his hair. "Better test it first." He generously poured it over the strands he was holding, and then looked around. Only seawater nearby. Well, it didn't specify water type. Sephiroth walked to the sea and rinsed the hair strands off.

END OF PART 8


	9. Cheese God 9

**Sephiroth the Cheese God**

**_Rating: _**PG  
**_Genre: _**Comedy  
**_Setting: _**Who knows?  
**_Main Characters_**: Sephiroth (Duh)

**_Note From the Authoress:_** FINALLY updated! Sorry this part is a bit short. But I wanted to cut it off earlier so I could start the next bit with…well…. I don't want to give it away. Well enjoy.

_**Part 9**_

Sephiroth stalked back over the sand, thinking that it was really inconvenient. There should be mirrors on the beach. How was he supposed to see what the hair dye looked at without a mirror? He also couldn't believe how far away the pirate ship was. He gave a sigh of relief when it eventually came into view. He climbed the gangplank slowly, flipping his hair back. As he came into view, he realised that the whole crew (All four of them) were staring at him. He stared back evenly.

"What are you looking at?" Wordlessly, Boris took a few steps forward carrying a mirror.

"Sorry Boss, looks like the dye went wrong." Slowly Sephiroth took the mirror. Wordlessly he stared at his reflection in it. His hair shone silver in the sunlight. All except for a few strands at the front where he had applied the dye. The salt water had reacted with the dye, and the sunlight had enhanced it. He now sported several strands of neon pink hair. He opened and closed his mouth, but sound evaded him, and overall gave him the expression of an astonished goldfish. Finally, he slowly and gracefully keeled over backwards, in a dead faint.

Cloud wielded his sword over his head several times then struck, his entire weight behind the blow. A red substance spurted everywhere. Cloud wiped a few drops of the sticky mess off his forehead. Dammit! What idiot had put a full bottle of ketchup in the bin? He backed away, a scowl on his face, and observed the havoc he had wreaked on the rubbish tip. Dismembered bins lay everywhere, litter lay in pieces on the floor, all sorts of things were strewn around. Cloud sat down, staring around. He had taken out his anger on anything he saw. It wasn't even Sephiroth that had made him this angry. It was the fact that all those he thought were his friends had suddenly been half-afraid of him since he told Tifa he was lactose intolerant. What was worse, the next day it was in the headlines. Everyone now thought of him as a failure! Why did he have to be the hero? Were they all so pathetic that they couldn't fight without him? He gave a sigh, stood up and kicked the bin. Then he walked off to find some secluded corner. Solitude was best in these times, at least for him.

Sephiroth heard a whisper.

"I think he's waking up" it was Boris. Curse that man! How dare he turn his, Sephiroth's, hair bright pink? Subconsciously, of course, Sephiroth knew that it wasn't Boris' fault that the dye reacted with seawater, but he could hardly blame himself, now, could he? He groaned slightly and sat up. He gazed around the room. His eyes picked out Boris, sitting beside him, looking quite worried. A little way behind him stood Reno, carrying a pail of water. Apparently, the intent was to throw it over Sephiroth in order to wake him up. He spotted Cid by the helm, sniggering to himself. A rage built up inside him. Curse that Cid! There must be some way to get rid of him. Boris spoke

"Boss, are you alright?" Sephiroth noted with glee that this was the second time Boris had referred to him as "boss". It gave him a smug feeling of satisfaction. He stood shakily, glancing around again, and shooting Cid a venomous look. His next order of business was to get rid of him. He flipped his hair, catching a glimpse of the bright pink strands as he did so. Well, he thought, I had better stop doing that as often. Draws too much attention to the pink. It was a bad habit anyways. Shaking his head, he swept his hair back, and glanced haughtily around.

"Right, time we got to work. Reno, go with Ella and get more food supplies. Boris, you find fresh water. Cid" he spat the name, "you go below deck and make sure everything is working ok." the first three crewmembers saluted and left the ship, going about their tasks. Sephiroth grinned. Power felt so good. He heard a sound behind him.

"So,_ boss_. What are you planning to do?" It was Cid. Sephiroth noticed with distaste the note of sarcasm dripping off the word boss. He turned.

"_I _am the captain, therefore _I _will be seeing to things on deck. Now get to work!" Grumbling, Cid traipsed below deck. Sephiroth watched him go, a look of contempt on his face. A malicious grin spread across his face. The strands of a plan were forming in his mind. Time for some revenge on Cid.

END OF PART 9


	10. Cheese God 10

**Sephiroth the Cheese God**

**_Rating: _**PG  
**_Genre: _**Comedy  
**_Setting: _**Who knows?  
**_Main Characters_**: Sephiroth (Duh)

**_Note From the Authoress: _**Part 10! Just a note: you have things from Cid's point of view in this part. Sorry if it's a little confusing.

Part 10 

It wasn't as if he wanted to do the idiots bidding. He saw it all clearly. Only a complete maniac would be attempting to become the god of cheese. Yet he was their ticket back to civilisation. When they got back to port, he would be sorry for keeping them all a prisoner. He wouldn't stand for it any longer. Viciously, Cid tugged a bit of wood that was hanging loose. I mean, he thought, what kind of idiot would instruct someone to see if things were working ok _below_ deck on an old ship like this? It relied on the wind or oars. The rudder was clearly fine. Still, it got him out of the fruitcakes way for a while. He paused and lifted his head a fraction. Was that a creak he just heard? He shook his head. Ships creak, it's a given. He was getting jumpy or no reason. He fiddled with some rope in the corner. He was half hoping that the so-called captain would attempt to attack him, he was a great fighter, and this Sephiroth guy would stand no chance. After all, how tough could a guy who threatened the world with cheese be?

Now might be a good time to mention that Cid had been a slave on this pirate ship for a long time. He had no idea who Sephiroth really was. He had no idea of the ordeals that cloud and company had gone through to stop him. During the time when that had been going on he had been somewhere off the coast of a continent called the mist continent. However, he preferred not to remember this time.

Cid lifted his head. He could have sworn he heard a footstep then. But the only person aboard the ship, besides himself, was the idiot captain. And, Cid reasoned, he was too lazy to be coming below deck to see how Cid was doing. He shook his head with a smile. Then, everything went black.

Sephiroth shook his hair. Well, that was one problem got rid of. He listened contently as a large sack hit the water with a splash. He headed on deck again. Excellent timing he thought, as he saw the other three returning with supplies. No sooner were they on deck than he shouted the order to cast off. Grinning wryly, he gazed back as the island drifted away in the distance, a small black blob bobbing up and down near its shore. He turned away. That had been too easy, he thought. I thought he might of at least put up a bit of a fight, but no. he didn't even turn around. The island was nearly gone now. All he had to do was keep the others from going below deck until they were well away from the place. shouldn't be too difficult, he thought. Two were asleep, and Boris was back at the helm. He settled down on the deck, feeling at peace at last.

Cid opened his eyes. He felt very cold. In addition, now that he thought about it, he was wet. His head also throbbed. He tried to sit up in anger, but this merely made him bob around, and swallow some salt water. Damn him! That good for nothing captain had ambushed him! He started struggling, finding, to his immense relief, that the sack he was tied in was clearly tied in a hurry. He worked its neck for a while, and it came loose. Frantically, he scrambled out of the bag, and swam for shore, not an easy task, but somehow he managed it. He collapsed, panting. He gazed up at the sky. It was night. Stars dotted the heavens. He lowered his gaze. There was no sign of the ship. That rotten, no-good sneak! He sighed. Now what?

"No!" cloud squealed like a little girl "Please no!" Sephiroth laughed evilly.

"You will never defeat me!" He forced some cheese in Cloud's mouth, grinning evilly as tears ran down his enemies face. "I am truly the Cheese God"

Boris came rushing onto deck.

"Boss! I can't find Cid anywhere!" Sephiroth jumped, startled out of his sleep. What a lovely dream that was. To think he had made it as the Cheese God. He rubbed his eyes and looked around. He feigned bewildered anger.

"Dammit! He must have snuck ashore behind my back!" Boris blinked

"We should go back for him" Sephiroth blinked in alarm. Go back? He couldn't allow that!

"No, we're too far away. We'll never find that island again. We'll head back, and then send someone out to find him!" Preferably someone with a large, blunt axe, he thought to himself. Sephiroth lay back comfortably. Boris appeared to think about Sephiroth's reply. He was apparently happy with it for he nodded and walked off. Sephiroth half opened his eyes to watch him return to work. Thank goodness he hadn't noticed Cid's disappearance earlier. That would have been a problem. He shut his eyes and drifted back to sleep.

END OF PART 10


	11. Cheese God 11

**Sephiroth the Cheese God**

**_Rating: _**PG  
**_Genre: _**Comedy  
**_Setting: _**Who knows?  
**_Main Characters_**: Sephiroth (Duh)

**_Note From the Authoress: _**Part 11! I wrote this a while back but never got around to posting it…sorry! Anyways, it's getting near the end! Enjoy!

_**Part 11**_

Days dragged past slowly. There seemed to be no end to the ocean. Sephiroth wondered vaguely if he should have left some food out for the cows. He scratched an ear and turned. Reno was sitting by the mast, watching him intently. Sephiroth blinked, flicked his hair back, scowling slightly as he caught a glimpse of the pink dye in it, and stalked off. Over the past few days, Reno had developed an annoying habit of staring at Sephiroth. Sephiroth thought it had something to do with the pink streak. But now it was really starting to annoy him.

Cid lounged around on the island. He turned slightly, moaning in agony. He was marooned, it was true, but he had found a spring of fresh water. He had drunk quite a bit to take away the salt taste, took his shirt off to dry, then, stupidly, he fell asleep in the blazing sun. He woke up several hours' later, bright red and in agony every time he moved. He had then moved into the shade of a small grove of trees, emerging only to drink water, and holding a large leaf over his head. Now he sat in the shade, wondering how he was ever going to escape from this island. He couldn't let Sephiroth get away with marooning him. He gave an annoyed sigh, turned, and winced again.

Cloud lay on his bed staring at the ceiling. After taking out his initial anger on anything he found lying around, he had become incredibly lethargic, and spent most of his time locked in his room, not talking to anyone. He was pleased that no one seemed to want to bother him. He sighed. Soon he would be forced to fight Sephiroth, only this time, he couldn't win.

Sephiroth lay on the deck, gazing at the stars. The wind blew gently around. It was rather pleasant on deck. Peaceful. Maybe when he had taken over the world and become the cheese god he could buy a little boat and live in it. Or perhaps a cottage in the middle of the country, with roses and all sorts of flowers…

"I know who you are" Sephiroth was brought, rather embarrassed at his thoughts, back to reality. He sat up ad turned. Reno was standing a little way away, leaning against the mast. Sephiroth flicked his hair.

"Most people do!" Reno grinned and shook his head.

"You're that guy who unleashed Jenova!" Sephiroth bristled inwardly at that statement. How dare Reno refer to him as "That Guy?" He didn't even use the capital letters. Sephiroth flicked his hair and turned his back on Reno.

"I _prefer_ to be called Sephiroth." He said, a touch haughtily. "And all of the stuff about Jenova is behind me! I will soon be the God of cheese!"

"Whatever," came Reno's voice. Sephiroth heard footsteps receding into the distance. At more or less the same time, Boris' voice came from the crows' nest.

"Land ho!" Sephiroth glanced around casually, then, seeing nobody in view, began prancing around the deck happily. Finally, they had reached land! He was so pleased he found that he didn't care where they were going to land. As long as he was off this stinking boat soon! He sniffed slightly. Really, the boat did stink. He remembered vaguely that he had never ordered anyone to get rid of the fish that had washed aboard during the storm. He shrugged to himself. It didn't really matter now. He could see land ahead, and by the looks of things, this time there were quite a few buildings on the shoreline. He smiled, happily. Finally, his long voyage was over.

Cid limped along the coast. He was hoping that a ship would go by soon. He stared into the distance. He could feel his body burning with the heat of sunburn. He suddenly realised that the point on the horizon towards which he had been staring had grown a white blur. He squinted his eyes. It was a ship! He started waving madly as it drew nearer. As it got closer he realised it was something like a motorboat. And it had seen him. He watched in glee as it turned to the shore and pulled up on the beach. A young man leaped out.

"Jeez, dude! You could've used sun block!" Cid stared at the man.

"Well, I got marooned here! It's not like I carry sun block around with me." The man looked puzzled.

"Marooned? Didn't you even bother exploring the island?" Cid was amazed to hear this.

"Of course not! I had to keep my eyes open for a boat! I couldn't stray away from the shore in case one came by without me seeing!" The man shook his head.

"Well, that's a shame. You see, there is quite a large holiday resort on the other side of those trees!" Cid blinked. A holiday resort? He couldn't, or wouldn't, believe it. The man was clearly quite insane. He walked up to him.

"Tell you what. I'll just hop into your boat then, and sail around to the resort. You can walk through the trees." The man shrugged.

"Fine!" With that, he sauntered into the undergrowth. Cid watched him go and shook his head. He then jumped into the motorboat and started it up. But curiosity reared its head just enough to make Cid wonder if the man had been telling the truth. He set off around the island.

END OF PART 11


	12. Cheese God 12

**Sephiroth the Cheese God**

**_Rating: _**PG  
**_Genre: _**Comedy  
**_Setting: _**Who knows?  
**_Main Characters: _**Sephiroth (Duh)

Note from the Authoress: Well, we finally made it!! The LAST CHAPTER!!! Enjoy!! Oh, and I feel so sorry for Sephy.

_**Part 12**_

Cloud had got annoyed at being shut in his room, so, bored, he had decided to leave Midgar for a break. He was now lounging around by the pool at a swanky hotel. Nothing could go wrong now, he thought, stretching on his sun bed.

Cid wandered the streets of the holiday resort, wincing at each step as his sunburn gave him aggro. He came to the dock and stared out to sea. He would get his revenge on Sephiroth. Suddenly his eyes widened, as he continued to stare out to sea. It couldn't be…

The ship headed into port, at a bustling holiday resort. Sephiroth raised an eyebrow at the hordes of scantily clad people wandering around eating ice cream in the hot sun. He was hot himself, but was not about to remove his coat. The ship docked and he swept down the platform. Well, he had no idea where he was so he would have to restart his cheese empire. A smile crossed his face as he saw, on the harbour, a very large cheese shop. He turned to Boris.

"Keep with the ship. I have to buy cheese." He walked off.

Cid had slipped into the crowd, and went unnoticed by Sephiroth as he swept past. It was perfect, but how could he get revenge. Carefully, he walked through the town, before stopping at a notice board. He smiled evilly. He now had the perfect revenge.

Screams attracted cloud's attention. He sat up, annoyed. What now? A waitress ran up to him.

"Mr. Cloud sir, please you've got to help!! Sephiroth is here, and he's taking over the town with cheese!!" Cloud sighed.

"Where is he?" The waitress' face flooded with relief.

"On the roof of Mr O' Naire's Hotel." Cloud frowned,

"Mr O' Naire? The extremely successful business man who practically owns the entire resort?" The waitress nodded.

"The very same." Cloud nodded, stood up and pulled his shirt on, before leaving the hotel.

It felt so good. He stood at the edge of the tallest hotel in the resort, attacking people with cheese. Already panic had ensued. Soon he would rule!

"Hold it right there!" He froze. He knew that voice! Slowly he turned. Cloud stood behind him. Sephiroth smiled evilly.

"I've been waiting." Cloud nodded, and drew his Buster Sword, pointing it straight at Sephiroth. Sephiroth pulled two lumps of cheese out of his pockets and pointed them at cloud, before thinking to himself how stupid that idea was. However, he was surprised. Cloud clutched his throat and backed away, dropping his sword.

"No, Not cheese! Anything but cheese!" He fell to his knees, and Sephiroth, seeing his advantage, walked forward thrusting the cheese in clouds face. Cloud recoiled.

"I give up! You win!!" he clambered backwards and huddled in a ball by the elevator. Sephiroth couldn't believe it. He had won!! He turned and walked back to the edge of the hotel and began to laugh evilly.

"That's enough!" A voice made him stop laughing and turn again. A smart looking businessman stood behind him holding a sheaf of paper, beside him, looking smug, if incredibly red, stood Cid.

"Go away," Sephiroth sneered, "It's over! I've won!!" The businessman took a step forward.

"On the contrary, Mr. Sephiroth, I am Mr O' Naire, and you sir, are in a lot of trouble. Do you realise how many charges have been put against you? Lets see, You have been charged with" He started reading of the sheaf of paper "Abandoning a herd of cows, mistreating Various Pirates, Slaves and crewmembers, refusing to tip a delivery boy, and, of course pelting cheese at innocent holiday makers." Sephiroth's mouth fell open. The businessman looked once again at his papers, "Oh yes, and there are quite a few charges from obsessed fans for dying your hair. In other words, you have no option but to give up your role as Cheese God, and your vast cheese empire will be handed over to those you wronged to help them through this difficult time." With that, Mr. O' Naire turned and left. Sephiroth watched him leave, wordlessly. It was all over, before he had even done anything. The pure awfulness of the situation came flooding back to him in an instant. He cried out in agony.

"Noooooooooo!!!" Sephiroth collapsed to the ground. He had been so close. Victory was his, and now this. The humiliation. The sun set slowly on the horizon, and he lifted his head slowly, the red rays of the sinking sun reflecting on his face. An insane smile spread across his face. No. he would never give up. He stood slowly, his long hair falling around his face, and gave an evil laugh before turning and walking into the elevator. Darkness fell in his wake. He would never give up, as long as cloud was still around, his quest was never finished. But he could get revenge another day (despite the fact it wasn't cloud who did this too him). For now, the distant echoes of the holiday resorts nightlife beckoned, and he intended to make the most of it.

THE END

BUT WAIT…. It's not over just yet

_Just move on to the next part, to see an entertaining, 30 second "clip" before everyone goes home._

_**Epilogue**_

Cloud brought a tray of shots over to the table; Reno was sitting there poking Cid with a stick, grinning as he winced. Boris was writing on several scraps of paper. Tifa was applying Hair dye to her hair, as Sephiroth's pink streak had impressed her. Cloud placed the five drinks on the table. A hand majestically took hold of one, and pulled it back. Sephiroth lifted it, slouched royally on his seat. The group downed the shots. The music in the resorts nightclub blared out. Tifa looked around

"Isn't it amazing?" She said as a line of cows went past in a conga line, "How everyone who appeared over the last few days managed to find their way here?" Cloud watched a group of pirates dancing the Macarena. A group of people who Sephiroth recognised from the Newsagents were singing out of tune at the bar. Meanwhile Ella was chatting to the slaves who had been washed overboard. Reno shrugged, watching a delivery boy with a package head up to the bar.

"Hey, holiday resorts are the place to be." Sephiroth grinned, ok, so he was drinking with at least three mortal enemies, but he was on holiday, it was allowed. Cid looked at Boris.

"What are you doing?" Boris lifted his head

"I'm writing a book. It's called 'Tips For the Visibly Evil'." Sephiroth froze. Boris carried on, "It details all of the pitfalls on the way to evilness and how to avoid them. That's why I kept giving you new ideas, and Reno has been watching you." Sephiroth stood up, banging hard on the table.

"And you couldn't write this earlier?" Boris shrugged.

"Sorry Pal, Reno and I have been undercover for a while, detailing everything you did as a warning to future evil madmen." Cloud sniggered. Sephiroth broke a bottle on the table.

"We'll see about that!" A Shout distracted his attention.

"Oi, Sephiroth. Do you want more charges on your head? This is a peaceful club! Put all your differences aside and dance!" Sephiroth's mouth dropped open. But there was nothing he could do about it, and he allowed himself to be dragged onto the dance floor, to party the night away.

THE 'ACTUAL' END


End file.
